Let's talk about boys ~part 2~

     So, it has been over a month since I wrote "Let's talk about boys pt.1". I have been meaning to write part 2 for sometime now, but I honestly don't really know how to start. All I know is, you better prepare yourself for some super omega honesty again. Probably even more so than the last one! So  yeah, time for round two!
     I have been here at IWU for almost two months now and in all honesty when it comes to boys, not nothing has changed. I still find my focus straying and my happiness decreasing, all the while feeling guilty for the way I am behaving. Have you ever felt that way? You know that the way you are thinking and feeling is wrong and not of God, yet you don't know how to fix it. It is almost like a battle going on inside you. The best way I can describe the way this battle feels is like Gollum off of Lord of the Rings; I often feel like I have split personalities. Part of me wants to focus on the things of this world (specifically boys....and how I don't have one) and to be unhappy, but the other part of me knows this is wrong and wants to only focus on the things that are of God and to be perfectly content in Him alone.
     Not long after I posted the last "Let's talk about boys" (I think it was actually just two days later), I wrote the post "Being a martyr". Everything I wrote about that invitation at the end of the revival that night was totally true and not dramatized in the least. It was a night that I will never forget. I have to admit though that, although I knew that the decision to die to myself was a decision that would change my life forever and would be a life long process, I never imagined it would be this difficult. Being in this world but not of this world and being completely "set apart" is so incredibly hard. I can't even put into worlds how hard it truly is. I have been feeling like such a failure recently. The reason for that is, although I have given my life totally over to God and have died to myself, I really haven't seen much change in my life, my thoughts, my priorities, and my focus. I still find my thoughts drifting towards things I don't have, things I want, and things that this world says are important.........yet are not. I know I haven't really talked about boys much in this post (considering it is called "Let's talk about boys"), but boys fit right into this. For me, a boyfriend is something I don't have, something I want, and something this world says is important. But it is so much bigger than just boys. That "thing" could be success, friendship, influence, etc. The list could go on and on.
     I know in part 1 I said that I would tell you how to change and how to deal with these thoughts, but in all honesty, I don't know if I have all the answers yet. All I know is this- God is working in my life in big ways. I can feel it. Though I feel like a failure and though I am still unhappy, God hasn't given up on me. Becoming "set apart" and completely dying to self doesn't happen overnight. It is a life long process that can only be done through the strength and power of Jesus Christ. As long as you realize this and your heart is in the right place, then you are on the right track.

let's talk about boys ~part 1~

     So, did the title catch your attention? I must say, it would catch mine. I just want to let you know that I'm going to be completely honest here in this post. I'm just going to be an open book, right here, right now. Yup, let's do this.

     Throughout my life, I have never really been around many boys. I have no brothers, no boy cousins that live close by, and not many guy friends. I blame part of my lack of male interaction on me being homeschooled, but that excuse does not really work because many of my homeschool friends had guy friends (and boyfriends). Another aspect of my life that I sometimes blame is the very tiny amount of young guys at my church. Sure there are some, but they are either a lot older/ younger than me. That excuse is rather lame too though. Ok so, now that I think about it, I really can't put my finger on why I have not had much interaction with the opposite sex. I really don't know! I used to think it was because I was shy, but I am not any more. I used to think it was because I was boring and blended in with everyone surrounding me, but dressing and acting different didn't help either. I also used to think it was because I had so many attractive girlfriends and was just never noticed when I was around them, but I really don't think that is the answer either. So as you can see, I am kind of clueless.
     Not knowing "what was wrong with me" used to bother me quite a bit when throughout my middle school years and most of my highschool years. Not being able to get any guy's attention caused many years of intense insecurity, unnecessary worries and anxieties, depression, and a very poor self image. As I entered my senior year of highschool and began looking towards and exploring all of the possibilities there were for my academic future, I began to worry less and less about being around, getting to know, and obtaining attention from guys. So for the past two or three years, I haven't really thought much about boys. Seriously, I haven't. The other day I was asked by a friend if I had a crush on anybody and I didn't even have to think about it. The answer was no and as I got to thinking, I realized that I haven't had a crush on anybody in six years! What is that about?!?
     Since I'm being so honest, I am also going to say that since I have transferred to IWU and have begun living on campus, ignoring boys is not as easy as it once was. Even though the ratio of girls vs. boys here is 3 to 1, there still seems to be boys everywhere! As I have mentioned above, I am not used to that! I find my thoughts straying from the "academic focus" and wandering towards the "I want guys to notice me focus". It doesn't help that seriously everyone around here seems to be in a relationship. I knew coming in that with me living on campus, this would probably happen, but I thought I was strong enough for it not to effect me. After all, I haven't struggled with these kind of thoughts for three years now! Well, apparently that is not so and I have noticed those sneaky, discouraging, and anxious thoughts creeping back into my mind ...............and I have only been here a little over a week!
     Some of you may be thinking, "Oh, but Ashley! Those thoughts are only natural for a single girl of 20 to be thinking! Why are you making it such a big deal?" I'll tell you why. Ready? Here it is. Because my mind is on me, myself, and I and not on the Lord Jesus Christ. Yup, that about sums it up right there. I am more worried about MY singleness, MY feelings, MY loneliness, MY unhappiness, MY dreams, MY situation, and what I don't have rather than God. How do I change? How do I deal with these thoughts and worries? That my friend, will be in part 2.