Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Let's talk about boys ~part 2~
So, it has been over a month since I wrote "Let's talk about boys pt.1". I have been meaning to write part 2 for sometime now, but I honestly don't really know how to start. All I know is, you better prepare yourself for some super omega honesty again. Probably even more so than the last one! So yeah, time for round two!
I have been here at IWU for almost two months now and in all honesty when it comes to boys, not nothing has changed. I still find my focus straying and my happiness decreasing, all the while feeling guilty for the way I am behaving. Have you ever felt that way? You know that the way you are thinking and feeling is wrong and not of God, yet you don't know how to fix it. It is almost like a battle going on inside you. The best way I can describe the way this battle feels is like Gollum off of Lord of the Rings; I often feel like I have split personalities. Part of me wants to focus on the things of this world (specifically boys....and how I don't have one) and to be unhappy, but the other part of me knows this is wrong and wants to only focus on the things that are of God and to be perfectly content in Him alone.
Not long after I posted the last "Let's talk about boys" (I think it was actually just two days later), I wrote the post "Being a martyr". Everything I wrote about that invitation at the end of the revival that night was totally true and not dramatized in the least. It was a night that I will never forget. I have to admit though that, although I knew that the decision to die to myself was a decision that would change my life forever and would be a life long process, I never imagined it would be this difficult. Being in this world but not of this world and being completely "set apart" is so incredibly hard. I can't even put into worlds how hard it truly is. I have been feeling like such a failure recently. The reason for that is, although I have given my life totally over to God and have died to myself, I really haven't seen much change in my life, my thoughts, my priorities, and my focus. I still find my thoughts drifting towards things I don't have, things I want, and things that this world says are important.........yet are not. I know I haven't really talked about boys much in this post (considering it is called "Let's talk about boys"), but boys fit right into this. For me, a boyfriend is something I don't have, something I want, and something this world says is important. But it is so much bigger than just boys. That "thing" could be success, friendship, influence, etc. The list could go on and on.
I know in part 1 I said that I would tell you how to change and how to deal with these thoughts, but in all honesty, I don't know if I have all the answers yet. All I know is this- God is working in my life in big ways. I can feel it. Though I feel like a failure and though I am still unhappy, God hasn't given up on me. Becoming "set apart" and completely dying to self doesn't happen overnight. It is a life long process that can only be done through the strength and power of Jesus Christ. As long as you realize this and your heart is in the right place, then you are on the right track.