Tuesday, January 15, 2013
let's talk about boys ~part 1~
Throughout my life, I have never really been around many boys. I have no brothers, no boy cousins that live close by, and not many guy friends. I blame part of my lack of male interaction on me being homeschooled, but that excuse does not really work because many of my homeschool friends had guy friends (and boyfriends). Another aspect of my life that I sometimes blame is the very tiny amount of young guys at my church. Sure there are some, but they are either a lot older/ younger than me. That excuse is rather lame too though. Ok so, now that I think about it, I really can't put my finger on why I have not had much interaction with the opposite sex. I really don't know! I used to think it was because I was shy, but I am not any more. I used to think it was because I was boring and blended in with everyone surrounding me, but dressing and acting different didn't help either. I also used to think it was because I had so many attractive girlfriends and was just never noticed when I was around them, but I really don't think that is the answer either. So as you can see, I am kind of clueless.
Not knowing "what was wrong with me" used to bother me quite a bit when throughout my middle school years and most of my highschool years. Not being able to get any guy's attention caused many years of intense insecurity, unnecessary worries and anxieties, depression, and a very poor self image. As I entered my senior year of highschool and began looking towards and exploring all of the possibilities there were for my academic future, I began to worry less and less about being around, getting to know, and obtaining attention from guys. So for the past two or three years, I haven't really thought much about boys. Seriously, I haven't. The other day I was asked by a friend if I had a crush on anybody and I didn't even have to think about it. The answer was no and as I got to thinking, I realized that I haven't had a crush on anybody in six years! What is that about?!?
Since I'm being so honest, I am also going to say that since I have transferred to IWU and have begun living on campus, ignoring boys is not as easy as it once was. Even though the ratio of girls vs. boys here is 3 to 1, there still seems to be boys everywhere! As I have mentioned above, I am not used to that! I find my thoughts straying from the "academic focus" and wandering towards the "I want guys to notice me focus". It doesn't help that seriously everyone around here seems to be in a relationship. I knew coming in that with me living on campus, this would probably happen, but I thought I was strong enough for it not to effect me. After all, I haven't struggled with these kind of thoughts for three years now! Well, apparently that is not so and I have noticed those sneaky, discouraging, and anxious thoughts creeping back into my mind ...............and I have only been here a little over a week!
Some of you may be thinking, "Oh, but Ashley! Those thoughts are only natural for a single girl of 20 to be thinking! Why are you making it such a big deal?" I'll tell you why. Ready? Here it is. Because my mind is on me, myself, and I and not on the Lord Jesus Christ. Yup, that about sums it up right there. I am more worried about MY singleness, MY feelings, MY loneliness, MY unhappiness, MY dreams, MY situation, and what I don't have rather than God. How do I change? How do I deal with these thoughts and worries? That my friend, will be in part 2.